Good health
animals
hair
silence
running water
camaraderie
accomplishment
smarts
yoga
breathing
Tag Archives: sanity
exhale
Breathe. That was the advice I was giving myself on one of my OA phone calls, one of the first ones.
I didn’t sneeze at the concert. That’s good. I must have not subjected my body to the toxins I have been known to do, which cause my body to try to rid itself of them.
Hate and love.
If a power greater than myself might see fit to restore me to sanity, then it probably is more interested in love than hate. If I can consider believing in that power, then I can also consider believing in the possibility that it doesn’t hate me. And if It doesn’t hate me, then maybe there’s some hope of me not hating myself either.
I guess I don’t expect any readers of this writing to come away chock full of brilliantly thought out ideas. I would just like to think that they would be able to breathe a little easier. To feel less trapped inside of their own fears and neuroses. I guess there’s a difference between just making yourself take a breath, and breeeaathing. Breeeaathing. There’s also a difference between trying to quiet your chattery mind, and experiencing a natural quiet and peacefulness from another place.
twined
If I am desperate enough, what will I be willing to do?…to salvage myself.
It is like everything is a puzzle that I must figure out. Mr. self sufficiency.
Do I ever ask for help with anything? God forbid a higher power. I think if I can just unravel these puzzles set out before me, then I will be alright.
Step two involves sanity. What if the definition of insanity is thinking you are totally self sufficient? Another definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
The way I’ve been taught, Step two is insane in itself. That a power greater than myself could affect some sort of change, restoring me to sanity. What??? That’s nuts.
If only all of my efforts on my own behalf have exclusively gotten me the desired results.
Things must seem altogether different to someone that puts themselves in the hands of a higher power on a regular basis. And not out of some sort of desperation. But because, why not? Why not hedge your bets? Why not direct their faith towards something that has seen them through some tough times, so it seems. Is analyzing and puzzling things necessarily the end all and the highest calling of one’s mind, let alone spirit?
It’s really hilarious that I am sitting here writing this at 1:33 in the morning. Hilariously strung out. I string myself out with my addictions, never letting it go, never regrouping, until I have nothing left but exhaustion, utter solitude, pure discomfort. What can it be worth at this point?
I guess it’s worth something. But look at the exorbitant price paid.
Diorama
It’s all in my head. It’s all in my head. They’re all in my head. Now who they are exactly is something of a question mark.
There are a lot of them. They are hard to discern, so it often sounds like one loud voice. But it makes more sense that it is a combined effort. It’s interesting, because I give people a pass, assuming there’s no bad intention. They didn’t intend to become a nightmarish mantra in my head. So that absolves them. Not that I’m really interested in blaming anyone. But fact from fiction is important here. One must accurately identify the culprits in the course of history, regardless of intention. You can only surmise intention. Even the party in question may not know their own intent. Intent comes partly from the gut, rather than the mind.
There are those who have inadvertently or purposefully drilled their poison into my brain and soul. That is the situation, and I am left here to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. I must retrieve my shattered soul from it’s little corner where it likes to hide from the nasties. It must supplant all the chaos and hopelessness. It’s kind of like the Tao Te Ching, right? The strongest force is watery. The quiet, flowing true soul (the Way) has the capacity to erode any behemoths. Love is akin to this, too. If I were more in touch with my loving self over the years, I could have had some protection from those nasties.
originally published on 2/3/10
6
I have happily noted that I am insane. I thought they were just whistling dixie when they were saying that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I probably felt that I had no way of affecting any change over my expectations, anyway. Or my actions for that matter.
It may be apparent that I tend to shy away from too great an abundance of positivity. So therefore it pains me to say that I made some sort of breakthrough. That I have been feeling a much lower percentage of sadness in the past week or so. My friend suggested I blog, and I do feel my soul is ripe for expression, but it is still difficult to sincerely spit out the words, “I feel better.”
The thing is, I would love to be able to get used to it. Imagine such a luxurious time frame of contentment as to permit trust in it. And if you are as uncomfortable with the concept of contentment as I am, don’t forget that it is my version of the feeling. There will forever be room for valleys and gullies and meanderings along the way. I could not change my essence, right? It appears to be the more superfluous angst which I have been able to assuage of late.
originally published on 10/17/09