I realized that I’m always looking for that feeling of playing a concerto (in front of an orchestra). I use all manner of things to replicate that feeling – overeating, sugar, media, emotional outbursts, over analyzing, sleep adjusting. Now, is that the best way to handle it? Or should I be incessantly putting myself out there to accumulate concerto appearances, which I imagine would be what it takes to acquire them? Or is there a middle ground? Am I hiding behind my job and my comfortable life here in Naples? Should I take more risks and put myself out there more? That’s partly what I felt when I was sitting there trying to play the Haydn. That I’m just way out of practice. I had to cram. Like a high school student before an exam. I have gotten better over the years, so my cramming has improved. I have gotten wiser. But older.

The question is do I really have to put myself in that position to feel satisfaction? It wasn’t exactly the most comfortable feeling. But remember the crucial decision I faced all those many years ago with the Haydn D performance. Did I make the right decision? I felt that yes I had, last night. I lived. I breathed. At least to the degree that I’ve managed to acquire over a lifetime of funny ups and downs.

I know that my family and children have engendered my musical growth in myriad ways. (I say this as we are scolding C for being non responsive and irresponsible. Ironic.)