Category Archives: hypotheses and philosophies

hypotheses and philosophies

Bleat

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I believe I am on the brink, the precipice. This seems to explain a lot of the things that are going on in my head, things which are very hard to explain to anybody else. It is very easy for me to be knocked off any kind of balance point that I may have found. Many things can do it. A dare is sometimes the culprit. I tell myself that I am feeling good and unperturbed, and then I ask myself how this may be undermined. I dare myself. Recently I realized that it probably shouldn’t be that easy to topple my peace of mind.

I have been on the edge like that for a long time. I have also ironically thought that I have an unusually strong sense of stability. Maybe it is simply an outcome of all the effort I am making to be stable and self-aware. I feel that deeper down I am truly on the edge. I expend a lot of energy concocting a facade to stabilize this. I would love to be able to address this directly, instead.

originally published on 8/21/07

hypotheses and philosophies

The Limit

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Wow. What is it about home that sucks it out of me? What residual crap am I dealing with that has nothing whatsoever to do with my present life? Because I really am at a loss to discover what could be the instigator of my numbness. As soon as I got off the plane in Ft Myers I felt it beginning. By the time I got home I was ready to collapse into my useless routine. There is nothing remotely cruddy enough about my life here that would explain this reaction.

In fact, I did some fantastic reading, writing and soul-searching on the plane ride from Detroit. You wanna see some? But wait, before I do that, let me just say that my growth and emergence from whom I have been to whom I could be is inevitably going to be slow and incremental. So I would be wise to cut myself a little slack. Okay, here’s the quotation:

Wisdom is seemingly a cure for what I frequently consider neuroses. The seeking of wisdom. The imparting of it. Wisdom may not be a static state of being. It must find expression. I like to be static, to find defining characteristics of myself, others, or situations, and label them or pinpoint them. But what if it is in the striving for this clarification that truth and beauty lie? Not to mention serenity and open-endedness? It feels like a paradox: motion, generosity of spirit, and active inquiry may be the pathway to inner calmness and balance. Maybe it is akin to yin and yang – one without the other is a spiral downward. Passion and reason, as Gibran says. He continuously attributes his higher sense of wisdom to observing the menial day-to-day lives of the villagers of Orphalese (The Prophet). Give and take. A giver needs a receiver and vice versa. What use is wisdom without confusion, and how can the confused strive towards anything without learned guidance?

I guess one of the sources of my neurotic behavior is my need to find equality and fairness in the world. But maybe that is a flawed aspiration in the first place. That would lead to a stasis and eventual deterioration. For how does one determine the superior philosophy to use as the benchmark for a good life? Whatever and whoever are eliminated will end up being squashed, discounting any equality.

originally published on 12/8/07

hypotheses and philosophies

4 Pronged

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Rationalizing. We are all masters. Maybe that’s more what distinguishes homo sapiens than any of those other erudite qualities like opposable thumbs or tool-mastery. I see how deep it goes when I observe it on the surface. Nobody likes to think they are rationalizing. But isn’t it dangerous to assume that your motives are pure just because you are only minimally aware of who you are and why you make your choices? Ignorance is some funky ground to stand on.

If you talk about the many layers of a person, you have to include the rich tapestry of rationalizing. I find the best way to behave purely is to stop fighting myself. Don’t fear the reaper. Be aware when you use thin excuses for your lamer actions. Each time you wake up to one level of mindset, you ready yourself to bloom into the next. It will come when it comes.

originally published on 1/25/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Malnourish

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There is a problem with having a strong constitution. It’s a double-edged sword. While you’re only minimally affected by bad things that happen to you or that you inflict upon yourself, you have great difficulty developing strategies to encourage healthy behavior. It’s hard to say who ends up better off: the weaker among us who learn quickly how to live correctly, but eventually cannot handle what life throws at them; or the stronger ones who can withstand severe abuse, but never end up learning how to take care of themselves, thereby succumbing to their own foibles.

Another angle: pacing. Constitutional pacing. How quickly each person’s body succumbs to harmful intrusion, both in the short and the long term. That is probably more apropos than simple blanket strength. If your pacing is gradual, then you must be particularly reliant on your wits to make your way through the maze of temptations. You’re getting very little feedback from your senses or internal nervous system. If you navigate erroneously, you’ll catch it in the ass later on. Or in the arm. Or the tooth. Or in that tendon descending from the kneecap. These toxins will build up, and you’ll be out for the count for a good while.
But the quick-paced among us are getting feedback almost constantly. And while it isn’t pleasant, it’s a good chauffeur to lead us in healthy directions.

originally published on 2/2/08

cello practice, hypotheses and philosophies

Bender

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I seem to vacillate between a mechanical and an emotional approach to natural cello technique and performance. It is only those rare moments that I can muster both at the same time.

If I make fresh headway in my emotional and personal development, I often find that I can use those insights to assist my musical expression. Music is not all that different than life, although applying that maxim is easier said than done.

I have recently noticed that I tend to skim the surface of my relationships, mistaking fleeting euphoria for true joy. So I reasoned that I am probably doing the same thing with my music-making. When I then tried to open myself up to riskier, more global sentiments, I felt more at one and at peace in my interpreting. It’s like it resonated inside me more, which reminds me of something Sebok loved to talk about. The path to wisdom is rarely found in a straight line.

originally published on 6/17/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Bar None

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I am only as able to relish life’s offerings as my level of openness permits. I cannot pick and choose what I will open myself up to or what I will bar from my life. Everything is dependent on an overarching quantity and quality of trust. I don’t like this aspect of life? Then I don’t get to enjoy this other thing that I yearn for, because they are at equal levels of intensity. Tough luck. So much for Utopia. If you think you’re going to find your Utopia, achieve your nirvana, think again. Because any amount of intense joy and pleasure invariably opens the gates to an equivalent amount of annoyance, displeasure and sorrow. Sorry buddy. You have to take the good with the bad, as the saying goes.

The icky things I’ve chosen to bar from my immediate existence should be bothersome enough to be worth what I’m giving up on the sunnier side of the spectrum. That’s a tough call, but at least I should try to be more conscious of my capacity to make that decision.

originally published on 7/12/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Gargantuan

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I am a victim. I behave like a victim. One aspect of that is turning the victimization in on oneself. Those feelings have to go somewhere. You try not to let them loose on others, so who’s left but your little self?

Maybe that is one odd thing we are never taught – how to release all those pent up feelings of hurt and frustration. It doesn’t fit very neatly into society. You almost have to reinvent society to fit your needs. It’s kind of like starting from scratch. You wake up and you say, “I am not going to continue following this path that is so ill-suited to my own happiness. But since this is the path laid out before me, I’m going to have to step off into the abyss and take this one moment as if I am a newborn baby. I shall be absolutely clueless as to how things are arranged in this world and how I’m expected to act. And just do this moment by moment until I find I am forging a brand new path.” That is the precise opposite of a victim – one who determines his own destiny. It is also the opposite of a victimizer/abuser. Neither sides of that particular coin are making choices of their own. Their lives are waking nightmares, recirculating past events with no expectation of awakening to the beauties of the now.

originally published on 10/10/08

cello practice, hypotheses and philosophies

Curly Q

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I have naturally been trying to sort out all the info I gathered on my recent trip to Bloomington. That’s the thing about Mr. Starker — he condenses huge, complex ideas into succinct statements and demos, so you can be working through a few hours of lessons over the course of months or years. I suppose I had forgotten just how mind-altering his wisdom is. The only down side is his professorial shadow lingering over my shoulder when I teach at times. Maybe that’s not so bad.

One particular thing vexing me is the issue of the hooked first finger on the bow hand. What I have noticed is that when I let it relax and uncurl, eventually the other fingers compensate for the absence of its grip, thereby organically rebalancing the hand. I am also hoping it’s not my imagination that my left hand fingers are responding in kind to this lack of hooking and curling. The question basically is, what is the minimum amount of this shape I can get away with without sacrificing the sound or control? Writing these words is tapping my sensory imagination, as if I can connect the release in my fingers to a release in other muscle groups.

originally published on 11/9/08

hypotheses and philosophies

Beautician

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People like to say that only very stupid or very wise people are happy. I was thinking that there may be some crossover there which could explain that connection. Krishnamurti talks about the futility and destructiveness of thinking. I would certainly place him in the very wise category; he also appeared a happy person.

What about the difference between rationalizing and brainwashing? We all admit we rationalize at times, but is there that big a leap to consider us brainwashed? I think I get brainwashed many times a day. It’s very frustrating if I end up believing for a time that I have discovered something that is real; the bubble is burst when I discover how easily I can be otherwise convinced. I seem to be swayed by pretty, shiny things.

I am thinking that you may be able to develop the ability to choose the things that will brainwash you. If you are not under the misapprehension that most things represent some kind of reality, you could develop more wherewithal and say in what you allow to penetrate your mind and heart.< And God? Is he/she/it more-so a path to a docile, sheep-like mentality, or transformative spiritual interconnectedness? Or as previously noted, are those two states oddly interwoven? originally published on 1/6/09