If I’m not mistaken, I am afraid of perfection, or at least the attempt at it. I know some people who are afraid of emotional expression. I seem to have an irrational fear of accurate expression. It feels like my introverted version of rebellion, actually. Someone recently asked me how I rebelled as an adolescent, and I said I didn’t really. But I suppose if there’s one primary way I undermined the status quo of my life, it was laziness. I have since discovered that discipline is a choice, not just a personality trait.
One aspect of discipline is self-observation. That is how I noticed that I quite specifically move and think in ways that throw off my accuracy. So then I asked myself, are these behaviors serving any positive function? And if not, what exactly are they doing there? That’s how I arrived at the sensation of phobia. A wall. A hot spot in my psyche.

Even the non sequitur titles of these blogs could be my way of throwing or including a wrench in the consistency of the format.

originally published on 1/10/08